I deserve better.


I was with my friend Carrie and she told me that I have this strength within me, yet I tend to perpetuate an attitude that I deserve the things that have happened to me.  I am a strong personality, and I can withstand a lot, yet I do not think that I should have to endure the things that have happened to me in my past.  I do not believe I am a bad person, nor do I believe that I have wronged anyone to the extent that life has exacted revenge upon me.

This is not a blog about self pity, but one of strength and declaration of enough is enough.  I am no longer going to carry the pain or the wrongs of others.  I am no longer going to sit silently and allow life to plow over me and bury me in the mud.  I am standing now and saying this is the last of the bad dealing I am willing to take.  I do not deserve the darkness that overwhelms me, nor am I willing to allow this to overtake my family.  I live life simply, so why is it that I have to endure the many pains of my life?  I have not excessively wronged anyone that I personally know of, so why has life dealt me such travesties over and over?  The only conclusion I have is that for some reason I have an incredible story to tell, I also have a great purpose in life.  I have known this for many years.

The bike accident is the second time in my life where the doctors cannot explain how I survived with minimal injuries.  I should have been dead in 2001.  I tend to block this out of my mind, simply because I cannot explain it, nor do I have any idea why I should be the one to survive.  I do know that I have a powerful energy, yet for some reason a darkness surrounds me.  As of today I have decided to take the power in my life away from the darkness.  I will not believe that objects are cursed, but that my aura is being followed.  I have a great amount of strength and I know that no matter what I will continue to thrive.  I, however, believe that my thriving does not require me to suffer any further.

The financial difficulties are no longer going to fog my mind.  My difficulties are going to just be bumps along the road.  What I intend on doing is taking back control of my destiny.  I am no longer going to allow life to suck up my good spirits.  I am no longer going to allow myself to worry about things.  My kids are almost gone, I have plenty of life left to live and worrying about things that are out of my control are not a priority for me.  So to a new beginning is where I am headed.  I have made choices in my life that I will continue to adhere to.  Things such as bicycle and transit advocacy.  Things like real true foods in place of processed foods.  Things like putting people before corporations and money.  These are the things that I will fight for.

The things that I will let go of are from my past.  The things that hold me back, my resentment of my divorce and all the things that I went through over it.  I will release my failed past relationships.  I will release my debt to the ashes of the Phoenix, my rebirth is about letting go and never looking back.  So to all those that I have felt wronged by, I forgive you and I also release my pain and anger to the ashes of the Phoenix as well.

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