I have been contemplating this blog for a few weeks now. Considering I am one of those people that has terrible luck with relationships and felt that I was better off alone more times than not, writing about love never seemed possible. I didn’t even believe in love. I believed in a loveless relationship. One where I can come home to someone but have my own life. Well that is truly part of a great relationship, but love is essential. I thought I loved my ex husband, I thought a loved a couple of my ex boyfriends, in the end I can look back and realize that no I did not love them.
My ex husband was the highlight of my senior year. My boyfriend at the time had joined the military and he was his best friend. He hit on me, which was shocking, most men didn’t like me in high school. I was the girl with no prom date, and the one that people made fun of. I never dated anyone in high school, well not from my own. My first boyfriend was a guy from a town miles away. We talked on the phone everyday, but we never had a real date. Things were rocky and on and off for about a year, then he got back in touch with me to go to his going away party. He was leaving for the military. I was excited that he wanted me there, but I was also terrified. I met my future husband that night. I think when Brian left I felt abandoned, and things at home were not good. I could not wait to leave my mother’s tyranny. When he gave me his number and told me to call day or night if I needed anything, I took it to mean he was interested. He liked me, but he was always trying to push me off on other people. I finally wore him down and we had sex. He then told me he loved someone else. I just shrugged my shoulders and told him no worries it was what it was. I think that was when the tide turned. He was so shocked that I did not beat him and call him a jerk, he considered me to be far more mature than he had expected. We eventually moved in together a few months after I graduated. At first I wanted sex all the time. I wanted his complete attention. This lasted for some time, then I got pregnant. Well we got married first. Maybe buying the house was the catalyst to years of pain.
The point is when we began building this life together, we found things were not so easy. I wanted to finish school, he didn’t want to go, nor did he want me to go. He blamed me for financial difficulties, when he was the one to buy all this new stuff. He extended our credit to nothing. I finished school and he finally left me a year and a half after that. I had already given up to a life of dismal existence. I focused on the kids, my job and church. I focused outside my relationship, or lack of one. Being told you will never find a job that makes more money than a Denny’s waitress and having a man who only has the dream of being a Denny’s manager wears on you rather quickly. I just tuned out.
When he left me, I was devastated, but relieved to be free. I can look back now and see that I left my mother’s prison for a far worse prison in a loveless marriage. I realized that I never loved him years later. I may have started to in the beginning, but when someone tries to change you or control you love soon dissipates. I had a few other boyfriends along the way. The first one had no job, he had one when I met him but funny how this works, as soon as he moves in poof job is gone. I should mention here, that I had lost my job too. I was holding onto a wing and a prayer. I managed to make ends meet, but life was getting harsh. The first boyfriend was an attentive lover. He was not very bright but he was attentive. I realized after a year or so, actually someone told me, that he had no intention of marrying me. He wanted kids, mine were pre-teens, and I did not want to go back to diapers and crying. I do not like babies. I had no intention of having another one. So when I found this out, I decided he needed to go. He drug his feet and tried staying with me, but I was having none of it. I even tried to move out with my brother just to get him out of my life. One thing I cannot stand is someone that will not leave when it is over.
The next guy was a bad boy. I loved the way he looked and thought I could love him. He moved me to Seattle and isolated me away from my friends. He was controlling and abusive and I finally left when he took my dog from me and gave me a concussion. I had to walk at 3 AM 5 miles from one end of Beacon Hill to the other without my dog. I took the dog for protection, he stole my dog from me. I filed a petition for a no contact order and that was the end of that.
The next guy was supposed to be a one night stand. He was a nice enough guy, in fact the first one that had a job and took me out and paid for things. I told him in the beginning that I would never love him. I was incapable of love. At the time I was not ready, and I suspected from the beginning that he was not someone I would love. Again I set myself up for a loveless relationship. Things were fine until we decided to move in together. The day we moved in he announced that he was going to quit his job and go back to school. Uhmm you might just want to pack your shit back up and move home to mom and dad. This is not going to fly here. I resented living with him, he was just like all the others. He would not help clean he made messes and didn’t pick up after himself. He took long showers and the list is immense. This one too thought he could just live with me after we broke up. Why do men think they can live in a place with their ex?
When I met Richard it was about 6 months after he moved out. I liked Richard. He was cute, at least through beer goggles he was. And he was all about me. We spent the weekend together, and he was so honest with me, I realized that he would never lie to me. Telling a person you just met the most intimate parts of your soul, is an indication of character. I value honesty above all else, and for me this was as raw and honest as it got. I didn’t think I would love him, I just thought I could trust him. We both found that for the first time in our lives we found love. It has been a magical relationship for me. One that I hope last forever. I have never known love before, but I am certain this is real, and Richard is the one. And he rides a bike so even better!