Growing up, I was always the awkward girl. The loud one that always tried desperately to fit in with the cool kids. I had a hard time understanding why many of my peers poked fun at me. I learned, over time, to just laugh it off. It does no good to get angry, they will just persist.
I grew up wishing my life was something else. I wished my family to be different, my looks to be different and mostly I wished to be in a different place. I grew up always feeling out of place, no matter who had invited me in. I never understood it until I was 32. I moved to Seattle at that time. I learned that I was simply a city girl trapped in a rural world. I was an urbanite, to the core. The suburbs do not appeal to me any more than the rural area did. What I desire and where I thrive is right in the core of the city.
For years I misunderstood my dilemma, and thought it was those around me who were too harsh on me. The reality was that I wished many of them dead. I spent hours thinking about how my life would change if they were not there. They taunted me, they picked at me and they drove me to the brink of violence. I stop for a moment to consider those tragic school shootings, and think I was very close to that stage when I escaped. I escaped one prison for another. I accepted my life, simply because I did not know there were other ways to live.
I spent years blaming others for my misery. The reality is simply that others may make your life miserable, only you have the power to change that. It took me years to realize that being a misfit was more about the fact that my whole life was wrong for me. I made all my life choices based on my upbringing and my limited knowledge of what life had to offer. In my rush to escape my teenage hell, I fell right into the same life as an adult. I never explored outside what I already knew.
It has taken me years of researching my own life to discover one great truth. The path to follow is the one that suits your life, do not take just any path, find the one that is right for you. This boils down to fulfilling your life dreams, as long as they are reasonable. A dream to be a rockstar with no music talent is not really a feasible one, but becoming a community leader if you desire to be a cornerstone in your community is. Choosing your path should be based on your goals and values, not your parents and peers ideas of what you should be.
The hardest thing for me was realizing my path was not actually chosen by me but I simply accepted it as mine. I never wanted a family, I wanted to travel and to do something in my lifetime. Children were not my idea of fun, this seems like work. Do not mistake what I am saying as regret for having children, I love my kids. I am just stating that I should have recognized and followed my heart when I was young. I do not regret my life choices, what I do regret is not realizing that I was living a lie sooner. I could have changed my path many years before I did and possibly decreased 10 years of miserable marriage in the process.
I spent many years resenting my peers and wishing dark thoughts upon them. I spent similar years focused on darkness upon my ex and his family. What I did not understand that focusing that much dark energy on others actually drained me. I needed to focus my energy on myself and my future not on my past and others who had hurt me. My pain was so great that I carried it around for years. Once I let go of it, my life began to spiral upward and I have since made peace with my past. I have not made peace with my ex, I simply just stopped caring about their opinions. I also never confronted my peers from my teen years, I simply moved on. Confronting these people would possibly drag me back to where I was 10 years ago. Moving forward sometimes means never looking back.