This has been on my mind for the last week. I think going on vacation and spending time with Richard’s family really got me thinking about loving life. I do not have a great relationship with my family. In fact, I am almost certain that I do not love my sister, I know I do not like her. My brother, he is there, but not a significant part of my life. The people I grew up with are not actually part of my life now. In fact the people I grew up with were never part of happiness in life.
Right after my husband and I split, my daughter was needing a haircut. I was asking her what she wanted, and suggested a short do. She looked at me with tears brimming in her eyes and said that she didn’t think her daddy would like her with short hair. This literally broke my heart. I hugged her and told her that it didn’t matter what I thought, or her daddy thought or what anyone thought, it was her hair. If she wanted pink hair in a mohawk, then she should have pink hair in a mohawk. She cut it into a medium length bob. A week later she wanted to dye it pink. So I got out the dye and we dyed it. Her father proceeded to make her feel bad and take her to the salon and strip it out. Way to go jackass, make your kid feel bad for self-expression. This cycled 6 times before the salon refused to strip it again.
See, it is only hair. It will grow back, or grow out, or you can shave it off. It is like a fashion fad a person goes through. You see the kids all gothed out and you scowl. Why, maybe you are über religious or maybe you wish that you had the nerve to pull off a look that you found interesting and untraditional. I have never been one to hold back. Well not since my divorce. Funny, when I met my husband my hair was punked out and purple. I had this unique style about me, which changed daily. I went from punk, to prep, to cowgirl, to goth. It all depended upon my mood. Then I married a control freak who suddenly made me very uncomfortable being myself.
For 12 years I became June Cleaver. I had the life that I was sold. I never shared my real dreams with anyone for fear of being laughed at. What I really wanted was acceptance from my peers. In school, I was always that weird girl. I never dated anyone from my high school. I only had a few boyfriends before I got married. I got sold a false dream. This was the most miserable years of my life.
It took moving away from everyone I knew. Moving into a big city to really begin to explore my own self. In the last few years, I have rediscovered my dreams. Dreams of living on the water, dreams of not living in the United States. Dreams of traveling and experiencing life in other parts of the World, yes these are the things that truly make me happy.
The first step to my rediscovering a love for life, was to explore places and ideas I have never been exposed to. Learning how to survive in the City was terrifying at first, but the reality is that I am right at home. The second step was to find friends that truly understood me. Real friends are hard to come by, and I am blessed with so many, from so many areas of my life.
On thing I always hated about my life was that we never did anything. My childhood was spent sequestered out in the woods, isolated. My marriage, I thought would be filled with things to do. Like an activity every night. But alas, no we spent most nights at home. I remember a whole summer spent playing Pinnocle and board games several nights a week. These to me were some of the best times.
As my children got older, I started exploring new things to do. First off, I love to go out to a bar. Love it, I think because it is something my parents and my husband never did. It is a social thing for me. This was my first social experiment. Secondly, I started riding a bike for transportation. This opened up many new avenues. There are many bike groups that I associate with. Gardening and going back for my master’s opened up more avenues. Sailing is the final piece. Obviously, I could spend every night of the week doing something, which is how I want to live my life. The secret to loving life, is to live it on your terms. Finding things you love to do, many things can be cheap or even free, if you search hard enough. The final step to loving life, is to learn to love yourself. If you do not love yourself, you cannot possibly find happiness and satisfaction in any aspect of life.