I have always been stubborn. There I said it. I am very strong-willed and I will bully to get my way, to a point. In my marriage, I had to bully just to buy groceries. I guess maybe things were set in motion for me to find my inner strength. I have had to pull up my bootstraps in many points in my life, and bully my way through to get what I wanted. Growing up I knew of one thing I wanted. I wanted to go to college and get a degree. I did not even care what degree as long as I got one. The reality was that, to me, the degree represented fulfillment. It represented a finished course, if that makes sense.
In my family, I am the first, well actually the only one with a Bachelor’s or a Master’s. That is in my immediate family. I had no support, no encouragement. I just had my gut and my drive. Yeah there is that stubborn streak. My drive, aka stubborn. Somehow in my mind, escaping podunk meant getting an education. So I escaped to a slightly larger podunk. Then I allowed myself to get trapped. Like a fly in a spider’s web, I was trapped. Mostly trapped in lies and misconceptions of my own making.
You see in my world, you get married and have babies and that is the life you lead. You do nothing in your life but live. You hope that brining babies into this world somehow justifies your own existence. Ok actually, that is what “they” wanted me to believe, and I accepted it. It is that point when your drive is no longer strong enough to break free of the web.
Just like the fly when the spider closes in, gives a one last-ditch effort and sometimes is able to struggle free. This is how my real life began. Once I removed myself from the web of podunk and moved to someplace outside my known little world, I began to see things more clearly. I began to understand that what I thought I believed conflicted with my soul. The ideas of conservatives is something I look back on and shudder. I liked the family values portion of it, but the hatred towards any other group of people burned a hole in my soul. The idea that the environment is ok, is so bizarre. If you have ever read the Bible and know anything, it talks about being good stewards, this means of money, time, resources (aka environment) and many other things. Somehow the religious right seem to miss that section. Just like they seem to miss the point about loving thy neighbor and love the sinner hate the sin. Oh and most importantly, there are no degrees of sin. Did you know that if you are a hateful Bible thumper, you are still going to the same hell you cast a homosexual into? A liar will end up in the same hell as a junkie? Someone who cheats on their wife will burn in hell? Did you know this? I do, and I am not exactly a BIBLE scholar, but I understand that the BIBLE was interpreted by man. It is just as fallible as man is. It is not the Word of God, it is man’s interpretation of whatever was perceived as God’s intent.
I like to think of it this way, if God is anything like the people who proclaim to follow him/her, then HELL to the NO on this one. I do not need to be a bigot or be filled with hatred. I do not need to pass my personal judgement onto others. I do not need to start wars in his name. Why does this seem to be the right thing to do to so many people? The answer is simply because it is a human need to control the actions of others. It is about power over others. Nothing more nothing less.