This blog is a thought process of mine. Being a woman, I have always fought the stigma that we are weaker and not supposed to do certain types of jobs. I hate inequality and this may be the catalyst for that hatred. I have been pondering about the role of women in history and hit upon a great inconsistency. If we are the weaker of the sexes, then why in the Bible are women depicted as bringing great men down?
We all know that Jezebel, Eve and Delilah are all names that are associated with evil women. Women that caused men to fall from greatness. Why? Many preachers, from my own experience, have depicted sexual promiscuity as the catalyst for these men’s demise. I feared sexuality for years because of this. Women that enjoy sex are evil, right? That was how it was depicted to me as a young woman.
I hated having a large chest, I hated having anything feminine. I feared that my gender-role was going to cause me to burn in hell. Imagine a young woman fearing her own gender. Now imagine men in authority telling her that she is going to hell for a lower cut blouse, or showing her knees. How about fearing clothing that is associated with women. I am most comfortable in jeans and a t-shirt. As I aged and discovered my own sexual identity, I began to be comfortable in fetish wear. OK so now you have a woman who embraces the power of her sex. Funny how that fear turned into something so dynamic, that I can no longer go to church.
There are many things wrong with church, there are many things that the church can provide. The problem is there is no balance. I am exploring something amazing yet powerful here. When my daughter at 16 came home and decided she wanted to go by Jezebel Delilah, my first response was: “What did your Dad do?” It had to be about overpowering men, right? Two of the most powerful women in the Bible. Two woman associated with the downfall of men, so it had to be about her father. She never came out and explained, but what I sense is that she never wants to succumb to a man and lose herself. Kudos to her for attaining power over her sexuality.
When I was 16, our pastors had a New Year’s Eve Party at their place. All the popular kids were there. In fact they were all drinking in the streets and having a great time. I was inside with the rest. There was this new kid who had moved in across the street. He was several years younger than me. We were talking and I mentioned the park. He had no idea what park or where it was. I told him it was just down the street and we could take a walk over to it. It was getting crowded in the house and I am claustrophobic anyway.
So we grabbed our shoes and our coats and walked down the street. We walked right out the door, it was not like I was sneaking away or being deviant. I showed him the park and saw all the popular kids having a great time in the street, I hated them all. When I got back, the pastor’s wife grabbed me and physically drug me into the back bedroom. She hissed at me where had I been. My best friend had told her where I went. She got ugly with me. I had never actually had emotions toward her until that day. When she told me that if I left again she would call my mother and tell her what a whore I was being. This was my catalyst.
I was a virgin at that point, my mother had beat me for condoms in my purse, sneaking a shot of wine cooler that sat in the fridge for two years and various other infractions. If I was going to get beat for being a whore, I damn well better make it worthy of a beating. I gave my first blow job that night. I was so full of rage. I did not care who or what I was doing. This was my revenge. I still hate that woman. She allowed all the popular kids to drink and be jolly, but threatened to get me beat for things I had not done.
Just imagine the rage, I held onto it for years. I later lost my virginity for a Monster of Rock T-shirt. I would screw anything that would drop his pants. Unfortunately, my mother was the psycho that had books banned from high school, so no male from my school would have anything to do with me. I found men outside my school, anywhere I could.
I suppose I hated myself as much as I hated my mother and the pastor’s wife. I was trying to destroy myself in a strange way. For years in high school I was harrassed sexually. Unfortunately, that was not a big deal then. Everyday at gym class, we would warm up running “grinders”. This was a run around the basketball court, and up the stairs in front of the lockers across the top and back down in front of the other lockers. Every day, two guys would wait at the bottom of either stairs and grab me drag me into the locker rooms and try to strip me. Somehow I was always at fault. I was the one that went to the counselors office. In math class, one guy would reach up under my arm from behind and fondle my breast. If I protested or screamed I was being a disruption and sent to the office.
So yes I hated being a girl. I still fight it. I married the first guy that stuck around long enough. This was also a bad decision. I escaped one prison to be bound in a worse one. He tried to mold me into what he wanted, but I am not like other women. Even though I was beat down, I still had fight. I fought every inequality I could. I would try to conform as I became a parent. I conformed for a long time, with the exception of going to college. That was one thing that I was too stubborn about. I was not going to wait tables forever.
I eventually left. I had many bad relationships that followed. Amazing how a man would have a job until he lived with me, then suddenly no job. Now I have to support two kids with no child support on unemployment and no food stamps and a grown man. I kept allowing this to happen in hopes that they would help me get on my feet. One man convinced me to move to Seattle, that is the only thing positive he ever did for me. That same man beat the crap out of me on the streets of Beacon Hill and took my dog. I had to walk home from Beacon Hill to Georgetown, about 3 miles in the dark at 3 a.m. with a concussion.
I think that relationship gave me the most insight into who I am. I filed a restraining order and had him removed the next day. I thought I wanted him back, but the reality soon set in and I did not miss him, I was glad the nightmare was over. After that relationship, dumping someone was so much easier. If you are not a positive influence on my life then you need to leave, simple as that. I think moving away and having almost a year on my own while he was in prison gave me the strength I needed.
I have realized that my goal is not actually the destruction of men, but to be a strong woman. I may still fight my gender issues, but those battles are not the same as growing up. I look at my current relationship as a partnership. We do not fight about what we want as individuals. In fact most of our fights are about not doing things. In my current relationship, I still hold onto my friendships. I do things with people other than my partner. I would love for him to be included, but I do not cancel things to accomodate him. If he is too tired or on call, I go without him. I think this is my greatest accomplishment. Is finding my own wings.