Ok life, I am seriously over your sense of humor. I always thought being a kind and generous person made life better. I feel as though I could give up living and things still would not be easier. They say that life hands you challenges and what you do with them says something about your character. I used to think I was a strong person. I have been through a ton of bad times. Somehow, one would think, that enough bad times and life hands you a daisy. But no, she hands you another shovel full of crap.
Seriously my life was always a struggle. I tried to be a Christian, only to be made fun of by other Christians, or talked about and made to feel guilty about every aspect of my person. Imagine being 16 and a virgin and having the pastor’s wife inform you that she will tell your mother what a whore you are. I mean since I am going to get beat for it anyway, may as well be the best whore possible. Or having boys in school push you in locker rooms and try to strip you down daily. Oh and it is your fault, somehow. How about having your in-laws walk out on you mid-sentence. As though you were not even there. And yell at you for not controlling your children, and when you do mocking you for not letting them be kids. My favorite was how I stood by this guy while he went to prison. He got out and nearly killed me with a concussion and took my dog.
Yes life you are a wondrous whore. So many of these things are directly related to choices I have made, but so many more were not. I did not choose for the pastor’s wife to despise me, nor did I choose for boys to harass me at school. The idea is that life gives you challenges, and these challenges either make you stronger or break you. Well I am not certain I got stronger, but I most certainly got very angry. There are days when I wish life would just end. I am not going to pretend that I have not thought about death, even wished for it. Depression is not something I typically deal with. I get mad as hell. I get mad at not only the things that happen to me, but for the inequalities in this World. I get angry that life is unfair, and that sometimes bad things happen to good people.
I used to honestly think, maybe I am a bad person. I keep looking back to the Biblical story of Job. When I start to get down, this story comes to mind. I think God is a big Bastard. Why would you do that to someone? Seriously, then I sit back and think wow, sometimes I feel like Job. I even gave up all attachments to things to help me live a more joyous life. Ok yeah things, I can give those up. I can give up a car and ride a bike instead. Better for me and better for the environment. Ok now I can give up all materialistic desires, better for me and the environment. There comes a time, though, when there is nothing left to give up. I am currently at that point.
I have nothing left to give. I am completely spent and life is still charging forward. I am for the first time in my life depressed. I am too spent to be angry, too hurt to even understand my own feelings. I have given all that I can. I have even given up my family, in the best interest of those I love. There are times when my friends have bad things happen, and I begin to feel guilty. Like I somehow am responsible for things that I have no control over. It is this weird dynamic in my head, I am responsible for everything that goes on around me. So I am: a superhero, supervillian or a God. I kind of like the idea of supervillian. It would explain so much to me. I must have a black heart.
Funny though, because I have always helped others out. If I have the ability, I would buy you lunch. If you needed a coat and I had a spare I would totally give you one. If you were a trusted friend and needed a warm bed, I would give you mine for the week. So apparently generosity is evil? This seems so counterintuitive. I mean seriously, being a good person is what causes life to take a super-dump on you? So maybe my way of thinking is all wrong.
If I just walk past people and pretend they do not exist, does that mean I will have more money? Does it mean I will not need to give up everything in my life? No it means nothing actually. I was trying to explore a paradox here, but it makes no sense. You should never intentionally do bad things. You should never intentionally turn your back on those in need. It would be much easier to do so, but your life would have voids in it. You would be missing out on some incredible relationships and opportunities.
I started this blog due to a very depressing situation. I have a terrible time dealing with my emotions. I do not even understand them most of the time. The idea that I have to feel pain to feel love irritates me. I would almost rather not feel love. What I have found is that writing all of those balled up emotions down, really does help. It might confuse those that read it, considering I did not reveal what was going on, but I am now much calmer. I am now regaining my will to do things. I think that is the worst part of every painful thing. Trying to process the emotions, when you just want to cry yourself to oblivion. The idea of ending one’s life probably crosses everyone’s mind at least once. I pause to ask you: would it fix the problems at hand? If the answer is no, then it really isn’t worth it. I am too much of a coward to actually do it. I confess, no matter how strong I think I am, I am not strong enough to actually take a life, even my own.
I have cried like I have never cried before, and now I am beginning to feel a resurgence of energy and drive. I am now thinking it is time to put on my big girl pants pull up my boots and go shovel the crap heap that life just dealt me. I hope that everyone else understands how important this is. Suicide is the coward’s way out, it does not fix the problem, it just removes you from it. The problem is now left for your loved one’s to deal with. For me it is not and has never been the answer. It would not be alright to leave your loved ones to pick up the pieces of their lives and try to find the solution to the problems you left behind.