Taking my life off of hold.

As crazy as it may sound, I am getting ready for the adventure of a lifetime.  I do not fit well into the capitalistic box.  I hate consumerism, I hate inequality and I hate the idea of creating waste.  So fast food, cheap gadgets and a disposable life are not my ideas of fun.  It took me years to realize why I could just never get ahead.  I gave up my car, I gave up a house or two, I gave up meat, I even gave up new clothes.  What do I have left?  A rich and abundant life and a lifestyle that makes me happy.  The problem is, living life the way I want to live it, is not possible with a capitalistic model.  I will always make less than my bills, trust me on this.  Every time I start to get ahead, something stupid jumps in and snags any remaining cash I might have left over.

One of those houses I gave up, cost me $16000 to the IRS.  I had no choice but to pay it.  As a single mom, with limited child support, often none, I struggled to keep food on the table, to clothe my kids, and to make sure they had money for bus fare.  I even bought a bike to cut the cost of bus fare.  This week I am feeling that extra cost, I pulled a hamstring Friday night hitting ice with my bike.  I am not riding right now, and it frankly hurts my budget.

I have known for a very long time, that the moment my children are on their own I was leaving.  Not to sound like my kids have trapped me, but my circumstances certainly have.  A couple of years ago, I went back to Grad School.  My intention was that I could eventually join the Peace Corps.  It has been on my mind for many years.  I have wanted to do something like this for a very long time.  My ex-husband shot down the idea.  We could never afford a mission trip or anything like that because we were too busy buying new cars and homes we could not afford.  I am only resentful to the fact that my desires were always crazy and his were always the ones we followed.  I tried to argue that paying so much into debt to fix up a home was insane.  Especially when we could barely make the mortgage.  Funny, we originally paid $36500 for our home.  He refinanced and cashed the equity out so many times and bought things like vinyl windows and siding to avoid maintenance, that in the end we owed like $85000 on it.  We could never have sold it for that much.  It was in a poor neighborhood, with flooding issues.


Life, for me, has been about supporting everyone else.  My husband, my boyfriends, my children, they all came before me.  Struggling to keep everyone happy was my biggest hurdle.  Today a friend asked me “what about your happiness?”  Well that is about to change.  Life as I know it is over.  I am no longer dangling my desires like a carrot from a stick.  My needs, my wants, they will be coming first now.  So about that, I am in process of filling out the application for the Peace Corps.  If anyone has an alternative organization that houses and feeds you while your loans go to deferment, please let me know.  Before I go, I thought it would be a truly awesome adventure to bike across the nation and remodel homes along the way.  I now have to figure out how to raise $3700 for that adventure, and still manage to pay my phone bill ahead.

So I stand at the crossroads of the greatest adventure of my life.  I am excited, yet somewhat fearful.  I am going to go through with it, no matter the cost.  This is happening about 6 years sooner than expected.  I was waiting for my last partner’s children to be old enough he could join me.  Two weeks ago that relationship ended.  I mourned it and was in despair, until I remember my dream.  I had pushed it back far enough that I had momentarily forgotten it in my grief.  Thankfully, I was able to reroot myself and gain footing.  I am rechanneling my energy from relationships into dreams.  Isn’t that the most important relationship, anyway?  The one you have with your dreams?


So forward I go, and little by little I am making progress.  I have two wedding this week and hopefully pick up a second job next week.  My life is going to be busy until I die, if I have anything to say about it.  I will be creating a new segment of this blog, I think I shall call it dreamcatching.  And that my friends is where in about 9 months all of my entries will be going.

beaded dream catchers


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