I met with my recently excommunicated partner tonight. I felt like even though I was trying to make a huge point, which ultimately seems a bit petty now, he was just ignoring the situation. He finally told me, he just didn’t know what to say to me, therefore instead of saying the wrong thing he just didn’t say anything. In my eyes this was callous and uncaring. As though my feelings truly didn’t matter.
What I realized today after talking to him, is that no matter what I do love him. God I am such a damn girl! I also want him to be part of my life, no matter where he choses to fit into it. I also realized that he felt because I put into motions actions to make my dreams happen, that he might have been holding me back. Surely you jest? His vision is a bit blurred. Until this month I was still waiting for my kid to get out of high school.
I initially was waiting for my partner’s children to be old enough for him to go too. But when I got mad and felt the relationship was lost, I put into motion two things. I made a plan and I started looking at biking across the country. I also started my application for the Peace Corps. The PC is my dream. Has been for quite some time. In fact I think that was part of why my partner didn’t respond to me. He felt responsible for putting my dream off.
The reality now, is that no matter what I am pushing forward with this plan. My goal is to join at least 5 times. I need an adventure, I need to feel as though I am doing something purposeful. I feel as though this is what I was born to do. It was brought to my attention, that he also became a bit stagnant and lazy. He had plans he just kind of fell off on. He said he was going to work at getting a job closer to his girls. I told him a year ago he needed to.
So maybe what we need is a break from our relationship. Not a break from our friendship, but a trial separation to explore the things we want to do. I must confess that sleeping all day all weekend is not typically my agenda. It is nice once in a while, but for the most part I feel like I lost a day. I want to go do things, and see things and meet new people. Now that I must really think about training, he may start riding with me. Great for him. I hope he hops on his bike and tackles the road like I do daily.
At this juncture in time, I think we are making the right choice. I will be gone for a little over two and half years. I will come back and maybe find him in a new city waiting to see me. At that point I may go back to school for my doctorate and then later rejoin the Peace Corps. I am certain this journey is going to be a long one, a hard one and a most rewarding one. It all depends upon me to take the first steps to make it happen.
I am my own worst obstacle. I have been thinking about this in-depth lately. I am not certain that I would not have joined the Peace Corps anyway. I have been trying to leave my home state my whole life. I was never meant to be stationary. This is the revelation I have had since my divorce. I need change, I need adventure, I need to live.