As I search for a job, I keep wondering why I am forced into this cycle. I know I need money to eat, I need it to put a pillow under my head and clothes on my back, but why? Why do I need to find myself in this weird space of adult life and freedom? Why can’t I have freedom and be an adult?
I have lived my entire adult life financially poor. Even before my divorce, my husband had us so strapped and so in debt it was unbearable. I blame him, simply because I had no say in things. I know weird, I am outspoken and call bullshit, yet I had no say. I had no say because he convinced me that he knew best, except for that time he told me I could not go to school. That one time,,,, yeah that one time I made my own decision. The one time I stood up for myself and did what I wanted to do.
So why can I not do what I want to do now? Oh right, because I am an adult. I am expected to live a certain way, and be a certain way, and work a certain amount of time. Right, I forgot, because I don’t live this way. I live my way. I also am living off the graces of people I know and love right now. Not because I do not want a job, but because I want a life different then one dictated by a work schedule.
I want to ride my bike whenever I feel like it. I want to go have coffee whenever I want it. I want to wander the farmer’s markets as often as I can. I want to create fabulous meals with no intention of adhering to a schedule.
So why do we as a society deem these ideas as lazy and unproductive? Oh yes, because I am an adult. I am obligated to work and live in a paradigm that no longer functions for me. In my childhood, my choices were dictated by my mother, as an adult they are dictated by society. When do I get to decide how I want to live? In what aspect of life do I truly have the choice?
These questions always float in my head. It is a paradox of being an adult with no control over your life. So sad our society sets us up for failure like that.