Back to real life, no really sometimes adults need to play.

As I search for a job, I keep wondering why I am forced into this cycle.  I know I need money to eat, I need it to put a pillow under my head and clothes on my back, but why? Why do I need to find myself in this weird space of adult life and freedom?  Why can’t I have freedom and be an adult?

I have lived my entire adult life financially poor.  Even before my divorce, my husband had us so strapped and so in debt it was unbearable.  I blame him, simply because I  had no say in things.  I know weird, I am outspoken and call bullshit, yet I had no say. I had no say because he convinced me that he knew best, except for that time he told me I could not go to school.  That one time,,,, yeah that one time I made my own decision.  The one time I stood up for myself and did what I wanted to do.

So why can I not do what I want to do now?  Oh right, because I am an adult.  I am expected to live a certain way, and be a certain way, and work a certain amount of time.  Right, I forgot, because I don’t live this way.  I live my way.  I also am living off the graces of people I know and love right now.  Not because I do not want a job, but because I want a life different then one dictated by a work schedule.

I want to ride my bike whenever I feel like it.  I want to go have coffee whenever I want it.  I want to wander the farmer’s markets as often as I can.  I want to create fabulous meals with no intention of adhering to a schedule.

So why do we as a society deem these ideas as lazy and unproductive?  Oh yes, because I am an adult.  I am obligated to work and live in a paradigm that no longer functions for me.  In my childhood, my choices were dictated by my mother, as an adult they are dictated by society.  When do I get to decide how I want to live?  In what aspect of life do I truly have the choice?

These questions always float in my head.  It is a paradox of being an adult with no control over your life.  So sad our society sets us up for failure like that.


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