Life is a many blunder.

Looking back on my life, I often wonder how the hell did I get here?  What detours did I take to end up so far off the beaten path?  Would I go back and do things differently?  My life is a grand social experiment, but it was not always that way.

When I was in high school, so far in the past that I only remember the hurt and anger, I was told I had two choices, go to college or join the military if I wanted to be someone.  My family had never mentioned life after high school, but they believed in the American Dream.  Oh yes back to this tired subject, no really I am so tired of this subject.  I was informed that my family would not be paying for my college, so working and escaping my overcontrolling mother was my only option.  So off to work I went, got my first apartment with a good friend, that lasted exactly 2 months before I found a place with my boyfriend.

I look back and I realize my life has come full circle here.  Let me explain, my second apartment was a little studio for $249 a month.  It had a fairly decent sized bathroom with a claw-foot tub.  It also had a kitchenette and was fully furnished. The best part was it had a Murphy bed.  This awesome bed that hid in the closet until I opened the door and pulled it down.  The place was incredible for the price.  My biggest problem was I had a hoarding problem.  I had no idea how to let go.  I needed to learn how to let go of things.  This actually was an ongoing problem for years.  Until about 4 years ago, I still carried around things that I never took out of boxes.  Due to my inability to let go, I hated this apartment.  It was too small.

We bought a house shortly after that.  Ok this is like when  a woman gets a giant purse, only bad things happen.  The more space you have, the more you need to buy to fill it.  Yep, so again I am in this weird paradigm of having too much stuff and not enough space.  The problem perpetuates itself.  Eleven years in that house and then I left.  After the divorce there was nothing for me there.  I packed all my stuff and my kids’ stuff and moved out.  Actually moving is very cleansing for me.  I purge every single time I move.

I am currently residing on a friend’s hid-a-bed in a studio.  This is truly small space living at its finest.  I am at this stage in my life where space is not priority.  Life is priority.  If I spend all of my money on living space, I spend all my time being miserable in my living space.  See how that works?  I would much rather have small space with the time and the ability to go out and have fun.  Fun can be an evening in the park watching that one girl with the light up hula hoop, or it can be wine on the back porch watching the sunset.  Fun can be going out for a drink and staying up way too late, it could be going to a movie or even a bike ride around the lake.  What it is not, is the stress of paying for things that I have and not enjoying life.  I would rather own almost nothing and be free, then own many things and be bound to them.

I have had my place broke into, I have had friends that have had the same thing happen.  When this happens, if you have a lot to lose you never relax about it.  You worry about whether it will be there when you get home.  You worry about who walks past your home.  You worry about things needlessly and obsessively.  So how did I get where I am at?

I learned to give up things.  I shrug it off.  Last week I was worried about my money situation, my living situation and what happens next.  Today I realized that I am not going to let my life be consumed by the idea of money problems again.  I have the money to sit on, and I am not hurting.  I will survive and things will be ok, and then life moves along at its own pace.


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