A Burning Question.

Last night a question came up that I felt like many people ask themselves but never quite find the answer to.  When you see other people who are obviously “Wealthy” how do you overcome those jealous feelings of “that should be me”?  I really do not have those feelings so often.  What I realized was that this feeling is externalizing an internal battle.  I too have had to purge myself of these feelings.  However, mine are reserved only for my sister.  In our younger years I was married and owned a home.  I had the newer vehicles and the fairy tale life.  I eventually got awarded custody of her first son and had her second one for a couple of years while she went to prison.

After my divorce and my coming to terms with the fairy tale not being my true happiness, I found liberation eventually.  My liberation was from stuff.  Once I let go of ownership and embraced relationships and experience, I found my happiness.  Yet when my sister got the high paying job that I had applied for with the correct education and certification, my resentment stepped up 10 fold.  I have always resented my sister, something that I believe is cemented in my mother’s denial of the things she has done.  I used to look down upon her, and I believe it was in hopes that one day my mother would recognize her failures, but it never happened.

A few years ago my sister got married, bought a home, a new Mustang and Jeep and a boat.  When I have seen her, my jealousy jumps in.  It took me meditating on why I was so jealous to come up with the answer.  My sister now has the fairy tale life that I once had, yet I gave it up and found happiness.  So why would I be jealous of her at this point?  It is not about her or her possessions.  It is not about my loss or me actually.  It is about my resentment of her.  Seeing her succeed, makes my resentment and my superiority invalid.  I knew it was not about her having things, I once had those and gave them all up. I made choices in my life to live outside of things.

I have aligned my life to match my values.  I have let go of things and put value on relationships and experiences.  I have never been happier, until I see my sister.  I have very limited contact with her and my mother.  I always felt that those relationships were not uplifting for me.  Maybe it is because my life choices make no sense to them and they remind me of the things I walked away from.  Maybe it is because they have a solid relationship and I never will with either of them.  Maybe it is because someone once told me when I was 12 that my sister was prettier than me.  I do not know why, but I do feel a great sense of jealousy and resentment when my sister or mother are around.  I recognize it for what it is, and I take a deep breath and remind myself of the path I have chosen.  I remind myself of my personal dreams and how their lifestyles are not part of my dream.  I have to remind myself that I am nearly debt free and the stress of all that ownership is behind me.

I am able to curb my feelings and regain my happiness.  I am never jealous of any other person, so I believe that this kind of unfocused resentment goes deeper than the surface.  I have found my peace, but it has taken years, years of tears and frustration.  It is not easy to overcome, but it helps to understand yourself.  I know that my issues are based on my poor relationship with my mother.  Once that was apparent to me, my happiness was so much easier to achieve.


Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out /  Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )


Connecting to %s