On-line Bullies

This is going to be a short quick rant, just to get it off my chest.  I had this friend, she was a dear friend, then one day she just snapped.  She sent a weird e-mail about raising my daughter.  I replied with what I thought was a concise and genuine answer to her concern.  She then bashed me back with another e-mail about how I was wrong and she just did not understand.  I reread the e-mails and had a couple of others read them.  I beat myself up over it.  I had no idea what I was doing that was so vile.

Later she was at a bar and I came in with my partner and my two best friends.  I invited her to join us, she was sitting alone and seemed sad.  She proceeded to tell me to “go fuck yourself” repeatedly for over 20 minutes.  My partner heard some of it, but my friends did not.  I finally went to get another drink and never came back.  I went to another bar and texted my friends that I had left.  This incident continued to eat at me.  Another friend had told me that she was spiraling downward into despair and depression and alcoholism.  To the point that she was no longer going to many bars due to no one serving her.  I felt very bad and partially responsible.  I decided to keep her in my friends list and when she was ready I would be there to be her friend.  I had a good friend disown me when I was a trainwreck, I never wanted anyone else to feel that loss with no idea why or what happened.

Six months later she seemed normal again and started hanging out.  The year went on and all seemed tolerable.  It was never normal.  She seems to have black outs and e-mails or texts the weirdest disconnected shit on the planet.  Nine months after my collision she went back east to visit family for the holidays.  She asked me to take care of her cat for three weeks.  This turned into three months and I finally had to tell her the cat had to go.  It was causing my old dog stress and tearing up the new carpet in my apartment.  While she was gone she asked me to help move her out of her apartment.  It was a huge task for someone that could not move well.  I managed to get as much done as I could and then turned the keys over to the manager.

I have hung out with her and her partner a few times, they always invite me over for happy hour.  I don’t hang out much, at first due to my living situation and getting over huge hills on a bike.  As of late it has been that she has directed her rage and anger at me like a missle.  It is hard to remain friends with people that accuse you of being heartless and rude to them.  I had my stuff at her partners place in the basement.  I got all but 4 boxes of books and she told me not to come get the rest but that they would deliver them.  I was concerned on letting anyone but my partner know exactly where I live.  I do not want to cause my housemates any drama.

And this has built up to the biggest drama in the World.  She was derogatory to me on Facebook last month and I finally had enough. I got the last of my stuff and deleted her off of Facebook.  She is still finding things I comment on and insulting me.  I am hurt and I am tired of the negative vibes.  I even stayed sober on Thanksgiving just to avoid a conflict with her.  Actually, I had a bad hangover, but still decided to not start anything.

I realized that the entire problem is my life is not a trainwreck.  Maybe this was why my friend that ditched me left.  Maybe when someone’s life is spiralling so far into the abyss you have to let go.  I am hurt.  I will not deny it, no matter what kind of bullying you deal with, it always hurts.  You always second guess your actions and words.  It is exhausting and stressful.  Dealing with someone in a fragile mental state is one things, but dealing with someone bent of revenge for some unknown action you have done is downright, I do not even have the word for it.

I do not wish her any illwill.  That would make me as nasty a person as her.  I wish her the best, but I am not going to sit back and allow the abuse to continue.  I am not a vindictive person.  I am finding my own light and starting to allow it to shine.  If it burns you, maybe you need to find out why your light is not shining, instead of trying to estinguish mine.  I will focus on my life and try not to be narcissistic about it.  I will also try not to belittle anything anyone else has done, but please remember, up until two years ago I felt trapped and had frustrations in my own life choices.  I have taken steps to find peace with my life.  I am at peace with my choices.  I will not allow your bitterness to deminish my joy.  You need help.  I have no idea how to tell you without just outright saying it.  So my dear, you are abusive a drunk and unpleasant for most to be around most of the time.  Your life and job situations are the fault of no one else but yourself, to think that anyone else is responsible for your problems, is well pathetic at best, at worst empowering someone over your life.  It took me years to stop blaming God, my ex, and whatever else I could on my situtations.  I took responsiblity for my life and my futures and my happiness, and as I am now finding out, the puzzle pieces are falling into place.

So I am sorry if I did the one thing I swore I would never do, abandon a friend in need, but you are beyond my ability to remain friends with you.  I really do wish you the best.  I hope you find your happiness, your dreams and whatever you are so desperately projecting onto me.  As for now, I wish to have no further contact from you.  I will miss the good times, but not the abuse.  So goodbye to the most painful friendship I have ever had.   And I do know that you will continue to make snide comments at me on Facebook on mutual friends posts, but I am bigger than that and I wish to no longer engage you.


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