Sometimes the truth is hard.


As you may already know, my life is about to take a huge detour.  Well actually I am choosing a different way of living.  As I get ready for this new adventure there is so much to do in preparation.  Things such as apply for my passport and Visa.  Get all my shots and a full physical.  Thankfully I am not working much this month, so I can get a ton of this stuff done.  My dental exams are all done and will be uploaded this week.  My immunizations minus my Yellow Fever shot will be done next week, I think.  My blood tests will all be done next week as well.  I have to wait until late March for my full physical, but otherwise everything is right on track.

Richard is trying to get a job in California to be closer to his girls, which I think is not only important for them, but for him as well.  Having your partner run off cannot be easy.  I can only imagine since I am the partner running off.  As the time gets closer, we get closer, and that I think is amazing.  Never in my life have I had someone support me so much.

The other thing that starts to really set in, is that no matter what I do, there is no promise of safety.  I actually like it that way.  Why do anything if there is not challenge, no danger?  That being stated, the idea of my  mortality has come up.  It actually started with a friend of mine telling me, he didn’t know if I was going to return from Africa.  It was a strange comment, but one that I cannot ignore.  I have never really thought about my death much, except that I will have all my organs donated, my body donated to science if they can use it minus the organs and in the end I will be cremated.  That being said, I also do not want those that are left behind to mourn my death.  I want them to celebrate my life.  A New Orleans style wake is about as wild as you can get, and that is how I want it done.  I want people to understand that no matter what, I lived my life the way I wanted to.  This means that when I do go, it will be doing things I love.  I think that given the choice, I would choose to live life on the edge and with uncertainty.

Being a person of little if any faith, I do not want my life to be a reflection of fear or of propriety.  Instead I want my life to reflect adventure and fun.  This means drinking too much, loving too much and living too much.  So these are the value that I hope people remember about me.  None of us are immortal, we will all cease to exist at some point, in my case I want people to remember how I lived my life, not who I was but the love I have to life and adventure and the people who I include in my life.  I love them all.  Even my parents, who I often state facts to the contrary.  I love my mom and dad and my siblings.  I just have nothing in common with them currently.  That is the truth, I really am not interested in spending much time with them, but I do love them.  You hear that mom?  Yes I finally admitted I love you.  fullJazzFuneral

I resent many things from the first 30 years of my life.  Mostly I resent having no courage to discuss my dreams or even to pursue them.  I regret not standing up for myself and allowing people to push me down.  However, without those first miserable 30 years, I would not have enjoyed the last 13 years to the point of fully understanding who I am and where I come from.  So yes the truth is hard, I tend to hide from my past.  I come from people I have nothing in common with and it seems as though I look down upon them, but the reality is they helped build me up.  By allowing life to take nose dives, I have learned how to pick myself up.  I have also learned how to really love life and to live it as though it were the only one I have.  And that to me, is likely the best gift I could have ever received.  I love you all, each and every one of you.

 

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