For many years I have just kind of meandered through life. I did things because it was expected. I did things because I did not know there was another way. I just did things for the motions of doing things. It has taken me years to process all of my anger and my frustration, it took me years to find love, which I thought I was incapable of. I am grateful for all the trials that have molded my life. Without constant struggle I would have just been content to let life happen. However, this is not how I live life.
I gave up my career last spring. I hopped on a train and took an amazing adventure across the nation on a bicycle. I gave up living life the way I was told to live it and embraced the way I wanted to live. I had a conversation with one of the few high school friends I have left. We talked for a couple of hours and she confirmed something that I knew had happened, but could not confirm. We were “guided” into becoming a wife and having children. Our dreams were discounted, our desires shoved under the rug. Imagine living in a small town and wanting to go to college, but having no idea how to get there. This was our life. We were given small options from small minds. That being said, I do not mean that being a wife and a mother is a lesser life. I am just saying it was not a life I would have chose for myself had I been given the tools to succeed.
So in my 40’s I took my life back. I have always ran to the beat of my own drum. The idea that I cannot do something irritates me and pushes me to prove I can. I wish I would have had this backbone when I was a kid. The fight that rises up when I am informed that I cannot do something is like the Phoenix rising. You cannot stop it, I cannot stop it, it just bubbles up and I do whatever against all odds. My undergrad was a battle. Imagine going to school with no support, working full time, raising babies and trying to manage a household. When I hear someone say they cannot work and go to school, I really want to punch them in the nose. Seriously you can do anything if you want it bad enough. Period, no excuses. Not only did I do it, I graduated Cum Laude, that means with honors. I have a national standing and earned extra cords to walk down the aisle in.
When my husband left me, I felt alone and desperate. I was afraid I could not survive. It is something that I have always battled. Supporting myself and my kids was scary. The funny paradox here is that I am strong, yet weak in my own confidence. I have a huge fear of not being able to support myself and my kids. I can do it, but I battle these doubts all the time. Maybe this is why I embrace the freedom of the simple life.
As many who read this blog already know I am going to teach science in Liberia, West Africa. I joined the Peace Corps, which is a lifelong dream, Africa is my biggest dream. I actually went on to Grad School to get a step up in joining the Peace Corps. I don’t care about a job, I want an adventure. I also want to be somewhere and make a difference. In the midst of all of this preparation a new hiccup has risen.
My partner got a transfer to be closer to his daughters. He will be transferring down to Sacramento in a month. I am excited that this happened while I was still here. I can help him set up an apartment and get settled into his new community. I have never had someone seem so guinuinely grateful that I was going to be there for them. It makes sense that I move with him, otherwise I store all my stuff at my dad’s and then I have to come back and move there. It makes more sense to move once and just return there. I do not live a quiet life. I live life and sometimes it just happens.