My first Experience with Anxiety


I typically thrive under pressure.  Actually I do my best work when pressed.  With little over a week left my sleep is disrupted, my digestion is tanking and frankly I just want to drink myself stupid.  What is this weird feeling I am having.  Like I am about to bust under the pressure.  Surely I cannot be losing it?  Oh right, I have a bit of anxiety.  Wow, what is this and why the hell am I having trouble focusing?  I fidget, I toss in bed, I am finding myself crying about stupid stuff.  Why?

Oh right, because I am for the first time in my life moving so far away from my friends and family.  It will be like starting over.  No job, not even going to look for one.  My anxiety is two-fold.  I have this move from the only place I have ever felt like home, then I am leaving the states.  I had all these plans to save up money, which did not happen, and to secure myself financially.  The reality is this, change happens, I typically thrive in change.  This time is way different.  I am leaving a place of comfort, not discomfort.  I am also only leaving to leave again.  I was already starting to feel the tingle of excitement over moving to Africa, but now I have to move to California first.   I won’t be able to really integrate myself into the community before I go.  I think this may be what is really troubling me.  I am going to have to come back to strangers.  To places I barely know and well, it just won’t feel like home.

So as my last week and a half bears down, I am planning to have as much fun as I can.  Today music swapping with a friend, Thursday is open at the moment.  Friday will be a bike ride with a friend.  Saturday is our last weekend in Seattle, we have a big beach party planned.  Sunday is mother’s day.  My mom will be with my sister, and I have never spent this day with her, so we will be headed to Richard’s mom’s for a last dinner with them.  Monday I will be finished moving all my stuff out of my room and into Richards.  I would love to head to the market for some goodbye gifts and then Tuesday I will be finished cleaning my room and washing the floors.  Wednesday is currently open, Thursday we load the moving vehicle.  And Friday we hit the road.  Originally we were meeting Dad Friday, but his plans changed, I am uncertain when he wants to meet up, but hopefully this Thursday or next Wednesday.  So much crammed into so many days.  No wonder my anxiety is rising.

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