The Juxtaposition of Being Stuck and Unstuck.


Being sent home feels like a failure.  It feels like being stuck in this never-ending loop of unknowing.  What do I do now?  The news is terrible.  It looks as if the soonest we will return is in 6 months.  I can ask for reassignment but the earliest those will be filling is in January.  Do I just wait it out?  Do I get a job?  Do I find new friends?  Do I just lock myself up alone and hope for the best?  I mean really getting a job is the worst option, who wants to hire someone for a few months?  Who wants to make a new friendship just to have the person up and leave again.

I am grateful that I have Richard.  I just wish I had some better grounding for this stuck phase.  I am gaining  weight and slipping into a depressed state.  I can only wallow in self-pity for so long.  Eventually I need to get up off my butt and change things.  I took the first step last week.  I bought a couple of Groupons for Yoga sessions and Tennis lessons.  I  also purchased a manicure and pedicure, but that was for my self-esteem.  Self esteem, yeah that little ugly thing that can bury itself to never be found again.

My first yoga class I had Richard’s car to attend.  It was hard, I thought I would die in the heat, oh yeah I didn’t just buy yoga classes, I bought hot yoga classes.  I felt so worn out after the fact.  Then on the next session I had to ride my bike.  I was stressed and exhausted when I arrived because I got lost and was running so late.  I made it through the class and after lunch I biked back home.  I felt so great.  I now look forward more to the ride than the classes.  It was what I needed a reason to get on my bike.

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I start tennis lessons next month.  I look forward to those as well.  I decided that I should look on Craigslist for someone to play with.  I found one.  I also found a bike riding buddy.  I now have a couple of “dates” to bike and play tennis.  That makes me feel a bit better.  I also looked into a job and think I found one tutoring science.  I think just finding a project and balance is what I needed.  I know that this sticking point is not forever.  I hope to work enough and play enough to keep my mind active and my depression at bay.  Sometimes that first step is the hardest, once you take it, it changes everything.  It has been a long time since I looked forward to something more than Richard getting home from work.

On a upnote, my choices in activities may boost my health some.  I hope to lose a bit of weight but more importantly to push me away from depression and back into life.  The mind is a very powerful thing, and if I were still living in Seattle, I would have so many things to go and do and so many people to do them with.  Here I have to start over, so today I took those first steps.  Hopefully they will be the right decisions.

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