No this is not about suicide. Please understand this is a metaphor. I just got the news we will not be going back to Liberia. I will be terminated of service as of October 15. So now what? Coming home and seeing how hard it was for Richard has put my heart in a precarious place. Do I ask for a reassignment? Do I wait to go back to Liberia in June? Do I suspend my dreams for a year and help Richard adjust here? There are so many questions about my next step, I am so confused and should be extremely stressed out. I am not actually stressed, just troubled about what to do.
Sadly the truth is I want it all. I want this great adventure, I want to help Richard and I want to be able to pursue my dreams. I realize that I cannot have it all, but I have to be very certain of my next few steps. If I decide to go back in June that gives us time to actually move into a new apartment and get resettled, but does it give me the time to actually build up community? When I was evacuated I came home to an empty house and an empty life. It is still quite empty. It is difficult to make friends here. There are no local bars or coffee shops to meet people. This is a commercial place, there is no community here.
So as I sit here looking over the edge, I wonder if I hate this place so much and feel so out-of-place, what does Richard feel? I know he wants to move back, but I am certain that the entire state is not so bad, just like all of Washington is not like Seattle. Each town has its own personality, or lack of. I think I hate it here because it represents retreat to me, and it has no soul. This town is not very old. It has no history and certainly no art scene.
If we had a place to call our own, a place to meet some people, it might feel different. So now I am putting this perspective into my current decision. So here I sit, drinking wine and trying to figure out my future, or should I say our future, because ultimately my relationship is the most important.