Power over Fear


I started reading a book from grad school this week.  A book that I did not read during grad school.  In fact I skimmed a few books but did not actually read most of my required texts for grad school.  This book is called “You Have The Power:  Choosing Courage in a Culture of Fear.”  This was a timely decision based on my current living situation.  I have posted about how much I hate living here.  I have posted about the difficulties with the neighbor.  I tried to resolve the issue with the landlord, this got me a 3 day notice to quit.  Apparently just walking around is harassing the neighbor, although he only tells me directly about it and never talks to the landlord.  I am the one who is begging to move from this apartment.  I tried to come to resolution with them, to the point that I consulted a lawyer.

My issue at this point is that I am living in fear.  Fear of confrontation with the neighbors, fear of talking to the landlord, fear of moving around in my own home, these fears are based in my inability to feel at home here.  The fact that my partner is not happy or at ease here intensifies my fear and discomfort.  Hopefully this book will enlighten me and lift my spirits a bit.  Just knowing that we have a month left is a huge pressure lifted.  So at this point we are breaking a lease.  In light of the situation the lawyer feels that they will just keep our deposit and call it good.  It isn’t like they have troubles filling these units, the problem for us is that we are outsiders.

Check out my helmet!
Check out my helmet!

Today I decided to just go out.  Did not have a point, other than to get away and read this book.  I ended up at this cool little French Bistro in Fair Oaks.  The chef is French, he is heavily accented.  Fair Oaks is one of my favorite nearby areas, and I wish I would have biked there today, but I was uncertain where I would end up.  I will miss this town, fortunately it is right on the bike trail, which I will live on in my new home.  Fair Oaks is unique in that there are many chickens running around.  These are mostly roosters and they just wander around.  Apparently this is a rescue sanctuary.  It is actually illegal to hit them with your car and you will get a ticket.  I should make it an effort to go out to Fair Oaks weekly, just to balance myself out.  I find myself suffering from depression, and finding some peace and solitude is always welcome.

I have been putting off talking with the landlords about leaving.  I am stricken with fear of them.  Never before in my life, even when I was having issues paying rent, have I been afraid to approach the landlords.  I had no issues until the last time I talked with these landlords.  Last time, I asked to switch apartments or shorten our lease.  She said she would get back with me and never did.  The next week I received a 3 day to quit notice.  So it is not illogical to fear speaking with them.  I do not want to destroy my rental record, but as the new landlord informed me, I moved to an area I was not familiar with, how was I to know that we would not be happy here.  Apparently the new place management used to manage this location.  They had issues with crime, specifically a stabbing that occurred in common walkways and not one resident came out to help or call the police.  This is not how we operate.  I have already called the police on a guy I saw beating a woman in the complex next door.

DSCN0113

In Seattle there was no way that I would stand by and watch people getting abused.  To the point that I would endanger myself, so I overrode my fear in the prospect of abuse.  Yet here I allow my fear to paralyze me.  I think it may be the level of discomfort and also the fact that I have no support here.  Aside from Richard and another couple that live nearby, I have no human contact during the day.  This escalates fear and paralyzes action.  I have had an apartment that was not conducive to neighbor interaction, but I never felt isolated there.  I had local bars and coffee shops that I could meet people at.  That is not the case here.  There is nothing within walking distance for social interactions.

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