Overcoming that feeling of dread.

This week I need to catch up with what I need to do with the Peace Corps evacuation.  I am still in this strange weird place of “what next?”  It is partially driven by fear, but also driven by the unknown situation.  Do I want a new assignment? Do I want to wait until I can go back to Liberia?   Do I want to postpone my service to get my life in order here?  Do I want to bag the whole ordeal for a bit to catch up economically?

These question and my current living situation are driving my inability to do anything at this point.  I should get a job, but for how long?  Do I want to get a job that a new location will make it difficult to get to?  Do I just want to sit back and drain my savings? I also have fallen behind on what to do with the Peace Corps paperwork.  Much of that is due to stress and anxiety and some of it has to do with my disorganized mind. I have very little concept of timelines or due dates.  I am always behind on things.

Today we gave notice on our apartment.   The lady was fairly nice at first.  Actually it was far less painful than I thought it would be. Sadly if they had only communicated with us initially all of this could have been avoided.  I found out that we totally could have switched apartments, the notice was served to both us and the neighbors, the neighbors had gone to the office and complained about us at the same time we complained about them the last time.  I also found out that the neighbors are moving as well.  I hope it is not the same day as us.  If the landlords had only informed us of these things, we would have completed our lease.

It feels like a huge burden has been lifted.  I am hoping that the feelings of dread are going to subside now.  I currently feel this burden lifted and a new hope for the future.  Facing our problems was easier when we do it together.  I need to remember this.  A pair going to battle is better than a single person.  You are bound to protect each other, to console each other, to find strength in the other when yours is waning.

In my life, I have always been able to ground myself.  The most difficult times I have almost always found someone to stand ground with me.  Moving to Seattle was the hardest thing I ever did.  I moved there knowing only the person I moved with.  I had no experience with city driving and I had no idea how to navigate the city.  This was by far the scariest move.  It did not help that the guy I moved with was a controlling abuser.  Moving to California has been hard as well.  The difference is that in Seattle I lived in a unit that had common corridors, you passed your neighbors daily.  We also spend time outside to avoid being claustrophobic.  I made many friends and had a job to go to.  I had a way to ground myself.  In Cali, I have Richard, but my life consists of just floating though.  I thought that living here people would just be more social.  The weather begs for people to spend time outside, unfortunately my residential situation is full of people who hide from the world.  Instead of experiencing it, they hide from it.  I am currently doing the same.  I do not want to become someone who hides from the world, but one he seeks out connections with the world, like I was in Seattle and Africa.

Our new place has this major benefit of putting on community events a few times a year.  This means that I will meet the neighbors, that there will be more community, and that I will be able to embrace connections outside of my home.  I found a few local businesses already and felt so much more at home.  Maybe, just maybe I will find a way to ground myself in this new location.  What I do know is that the feelings of dread have already begun to subside.