With all my depression in the last few months, I forgot to celebrate life. I also forgot the way it feels when you get excited about things. The blood racing through your body, the adrenaline pumping, your short quick breaths as if you just ran a marathon. Yeah all those feelings that bring joy to your body and eventually fill your mind with joy.
Since moving, I have slept so well. I have felt rested and peaceful. I even sent out a couple of job applications. Knowing that I want to go back into the Peace Corps this is the most difficult part of living in limbo. Do I take a part-time meaningless job or do I apply for a meaningful job that I will eventually leave? I applied for temp work in labs since I am proficient there. I am considering a restaurant job since I just want to pay some bills down and keep food on the table. It isn’t that Richard cannot pay for food, it is that I feel it is my responsibility. I want quality food not junk, therefore I should pay for it. Today I found a handmade sausage store. Being a vegetarian this is not my favorite thing, but knowing there are better ingredients and less preservatives makes it a little easier to accept.
In my happy state today, I cooked, I cleaned and I relaxed. Enjoying a few glasses of wine, I noticed a new email from the Peace Corps. I have applied to leave again in September for either Senegal or Cameroon. Both positions are sustainable agriculture positions. Today I was invited to serve in a sustainable agriculture position in Jamaica. I am thrilled to be invited, but hesitant. I am only hesitant due to the fact that the departure date is in March. The location also has me on the fence. Not that Jamaica is not an intriguing location, I mean sailing is truly going to be accessible there. Yet it was not on my mind. I think that is my sticking point. The fact that I had not considered it. When I was invited to Liberia, my only goal was Africa, the country was not of concern. Now I am offered a position I really want on a timeline that was not mine in a location I know nothing about. I did date a Jamaican for a bit, and I have a great friend who is from there, but I actually know nothing about the island itself.
No matter what my decision will be, which I have to make by tomorrow, I am excited to be offered this opportunity. The thrill and excitement of a new adventure is almost more than I can handle. I really am excited and no matter what, I want to hold onto this feeling and try to keep it in my heart for those times that darkness prevails. Knowing that there is this feeling of hope and excitement and joy can carry you through the darkest times. Even though I was feeling a huge burden of darkness the last few month, I knew the sun would eventually come out again, I just forgot how that felt.