Going back to the beginning.


In the past few years my life has really come into focus.  I have found joy in the smallest things and learned many things about who I am.  I really think my bike collision was a pivotal point in my journey.  I have many issues with my past, things that cause me pain, things that cause me confusion and things that I generally choose to ignore.  These last few days have brought my past barreling down the hill at me.

First off I want to thank Richard’s parents for taking the time to come down here to spend time with me before I leave.  They were here in September and chose to come back this past week.  It meant so much to me.  Richard made a ver good point to me, one that brings my past to light.  My parents could not be bothered to make the time to come down, but his did.  My dad makes promises that I never hold onto.  He almost never follows through, it is just something I have learned to live with.  My mom just seems to never make the time.  I know the trip is far and expensive, but she just can never quite bring herself to come see me, even when I was in Seattle.  It does not normally bother me, but this week it kind of hurt a little.

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We spent Monday in San Francisco.  I love that town, there is just so much to see and do.  We rode a trolley down the hill, I even got to stand on the outside, which is quite scary if the operator says “brakes don’t work so well!”  Tuesday  was my final get together with the ladies that I rent from.  Hoping to say goodbye to a few other folks this evening.  Wednesday we headed to Monterey.  I have to reapply for my Birth Certificate and since I was born down there, Richard decided we should go there for my last few days with him.  I was born there, I did not grow up there.  In fact I do not even remember being there.

Sometimes fate pulls some funny stuff on us.  My whole life I have felt out-of-place, until I moved to Seattle. I felt like that square peg that was never going to fit into that round hole.  I was always that weird chick, the one no one ever dated, the one people kept a distance from.  I had friends, but they were very few.  When we got to Monterey it was like coming home.  I realized that my whole life my pain and my feeling of lost was based on the Ocean calling me.  It is so strong that I even wanted to be a Marine Biologist and work for Sea World at one point in my life.  That is until someone told me that jobs like that are too competitive and I would never make it.  Why do I listen to people like that?    I gave up that idea and focused on raising a family, which left me empty in places.  A loveless marriage, a desire to uproot and fly free were not helping my emptiness.  It only just came into focus this week, what was missing in my life.

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To Richard I owe everything.  He has helped me grow and confront those nagging fears and self doubts.  A man who simply tells me, “Anything you want to do, I have no doubt you will do it!”  How can I walk away from that?  How do I walk out the door on the love of my life and the most supportive person I have ever known?  It really is very simple.  I know that no matter what I will come back to him, he knows it too.  He knows that he is the most important person in my life.  He and my children are the ones I care about the most.  I know that he will be here when I get back.  I know that he is waiting for me.  I also know that our relationship is based on trust.   I trust that I will have a home to come back to.  He trusts that I will come back.  For us this is the best relationship.  No one is holding anyone back, expectations are based on love and compassion and we have great communication.

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