So here I am still struggling. I take not being able to get hired very personally. I guess the fact that I am middle-aged and have no current job speaks volumes to employers. I just wish I did not have to stress on this. I want to work, I want to have an income, but more importantly I want a sense of purpose. If I had confidence in myself and my ability to build up my own business I would likely take that route, but I fear failure more than stagnation. This is starting to take its toll on my health and mental health. I fear soon it will start to wreak havoc on my relationship.
Well I finally took the steps needed to secure a counselor. I have 3 free sessions, so I hope that is enough. The counselor I will be seeing sent me a slew of registering paperwork. One was this huge questionnaire. As I sat down to fill it out, I started out being pretty general. As it got more in-depth I realized that I need to be honest if I wanted help. I had to be honest with myself and with the counselor, even with Richard. I put honesty above all else, except when I am dealing with myself. I have been down this road of unemployment before. It is a struggle, it is stressful and it makes me crazy.
As I filled out that questionnaire I found myself looking at my behavior in the past month and I noticed something familiar. When I lost my job after my divorce and faced losing my home I began to drink often, and to excess. It helped numb my feelings. It helped avoid dealing with reality. It helped me pretend life was happy and I was ok. This was all a lie. I am seeing this behavior again. The difference this time is that I have someone stable to support me through it and I am not responsible for two children. I examined myself and found that I was not coping but covering up. I know that this is not helpful and eventually you end up having to face the issue and then it is often so big it becomes insurmountable.
In my packet I was honest about this. I admit that I use food and/or alcohol as a way to hide from my pain. I also admitted that I am still hurt by my lack of friendships in the area. In the end I have taken the first step in getting help, I reached up and asked for it.
For the next few months I am trying to cut back my alcohol intake and focus on better coping mechanism. Hopefully this counselor can help me navigate all the pent-up emotions I have been burying.