They try to prepare us for the bumpy ride back into normal life. They offer us counseling sessions. They even provide us with a ton of ways to prepare for life back in the states. I have neglected my blog, one of my best outlets for my struggles, because I am struggling with my struggles. I want to strong and invincible and pretend like life is just going to be peachy, but reality is, it is not. Life is a struggle and without that struggle it might be boring but sometimes that struggle is too much to bear.
I got back stateside on June 7. Richard brought me pizza and met me at the airport. It was incredibly comforting to have a familiar relationship that felt new all over again. It was like moving back home to your parents house after years of being on your own. It is comforting, but things have changed and you have to find your place. I guess I am still trying to find my place. I started back with a focus on healthy diet and exercise, but now I just have to force myself to do anything anymore.
Two days after I got home we went to Alameda to a RPCV meet up with other Returned PCV’s from Jamaica. This was a Jamaica specific event and I met many new people. But it was in the Bay area and that is not exactly where I am located. The following Tuesday we took a trip to Tahoe so I could give a presentation on Peace Corps Service in Liberia and what life was like there, even though I had a limited view the insight I shared was much more than the students had before talking to me.
We got home and the car was acting up so Richard told his daughters we were not going to Tahoe that weekend again, apparently our trip caused some frustration and anger in them since they had wanted to go. So we made arrangements to rent a car and go back. This turned out to be a disaster. I joined the Peace Corps when I did because his daughters seemed to be jealous and dislike me. I helped move him down to be closer to them and rebuild that relationship and then left to allow this to happen. I was hoping that when I returned, they would be used to the idea of me being his partner and being in their lives. I was so very, very wrong. This issue caused us to break up back in 2011. I did not want it to break us apart again. I do not have an answer for this, but because of the weekend we have vowed to not allow other people to break our relationship apart. I am not saying I do not want him to see his girls, I really want him to have a good relationship with them, but I realized they do not want a relationship with me. This reality hurts some, but I am not going to force them into that relationship, it is not healthy for anyone involved. So I am stepping back, but it is not currently an issue as they whole summer is booked up for them. Maybe in the fall we will have to see.
The other issue I am having is job hunting. I am struggling with finding a job, I thought it would be a breeze, but the longer I go without work the worse I feel and less motivated I get. I mean for real I am bored out of my freaking mind. One can only watch Facebook and TV for so many hours in a day. I had no idea it would be this hard to find a job or that I would feel so lost without one. I am truly struggling with this lack of focus and my money is quickly dwindling down. I know I am drinking far too much, mostly out of boredom but some out of depression and a desire to suppress those realities.
I lost my Washington License when I was in Jamaica, it was found and I just got it back today. Now I can go get my California license and food handlers permits, liquor license and whatever else I need to cater again. I am at the point of not filing any job history and just applying to restaurants, because I need something to do. I am going to go crazy soon, I just know it.
This week I think I have hit pretty much rock bottom, or am getting close. So now it is time to stop wallowing in self-pity and get off my butt. I just wish it was easier to do. First thing is to get my license transferred and get myself into counseling. I had no idea these feelings of anger and frustration would manifest in such a way. I have been unemployed before and remember drinking far too much to cover the pain, but this time I do not have to do it alone with kids to support, yet I seem unable to ask for help and support. I hate that feeling of vulnerability. It seems to manifest itself into anger and frustration and I am worried that I will lash out at the people I love the most.