Finding the courage to call for help


So here I am still struggling.  I take not being able to get hired very personally.  I guess the fact that I am middle-aged and have no current job speaks volumes to employers.  I just wish I did not have to stress on this.  I want to work, I want to have an income, but more importantly I want a sense of purpose.  If I had confidence in myself and my ability to build up my own business I would likely take that route, but I fear failure more than stagnation.  This is starting to take its toll on my health and mental health.  I fear soon it will start to wreak havoc on my relationship.

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Well I finally took the steps needed to secure a counselor.  I have 3 free sessions, so I hope that is enough.  The counselor I will be seeing sent me a slew of registering paperwork.  One was this huge questionnaire.  As I sat down to fill it out, I started out being pretty general.  As it got more in-depth I realized that I need to be honest if I wanted help.  I had to be honest with myself and with the counselor, even with Richard.  I put honesty above all else, except when I am dealing with myself.  I have been down this road of unemployment before.  It is a struggle, it is stressful and it makes me crazy.

As I filled out that questionnaire I found myself looking at my behavior in the past month and I noticed something familiar.  When I lost my job after my divorce and faced losing my home I began to drink often, and to excess.  It helped numb my feelings.  It helped avoid dealing with reality.  It helped me pretend life was happy and I was ok.  This was all a lie.  I am seeing this behavior again.  The difference this time is that I have someone stable to support me through it and I am not responsible for two children.  I examined myself and found that I was not coping but covering up.  I know that this is not helpful and eventually you end up having to face the issue and then it is often so big it becomes insurmountable.

In my packet I was honest about this.  I admit that I use food and/or alcohol as a way to hide from my pain.  I also admitted that I am still hurt by my lack of friendships in the area.  In the end I have taken the first step in getting help, I reached up and asked for it.

For the next few months I am trying to cut back my alcohol intake and focus on better coping mechanism.  Hopefully this counselor can help me navigate all the pent-up emotions I have been burying.