A letter to my pre-PC self;
This post is part of BloggingAbroad.org’s Re-Entry Blog Challenge.
There are things that will happen in the next two plus years that will be unexpected and sometimes difficult. The thing is, these challenges will change you in ways you never thought possible. They will tax your restraint and your reserves. They will make you uncomfortable and force you to confront deep dark buried issues that you have tried for 40 plus years to avoid. These things will pass, but they will change you and they will build you up, try not to fight them.
The first challenge will be how you see yourself. You view yourself as strong and as resourceful and able to stand up to confrontation. You must let those ideas go. In this new culture women do not confront men, they do not stand up to them and they most certainly never call them out and insult them. This will be the most difficult aspect to deal with. The daily marriage proposals, the constant cat calls and the attention that makes you never want to leave your home will become normal. What will not be normal is how you deal with them. Think about the fact that you are a cultural ambassador and even though you often feel like a slab of meat at the auction, you need to keep your interactions civil and not cross.
The second challenge is to let go of your view of not ever quitting. Sometimes quitting is not failure but realizing that the issues cannot be resolved and they tax your resilience too much. Understanding when to walk away is better than not quitting and drowning in despair and depression. Finding the balance between not quitting and seeing that there is no solution will prove to be an asset. It will be difficult and you will have to swallow that pride. Remember to count those small wins to help balance those feelings of defeat.
The final challenge is confronting your past. Yikes, this really sucks. You moved to a place where most people from your past can no longer reach you, but the pain is still there. Being alone every night forces you to spend some quality time with yourself and your feelings. Ugh, I know that really sucks. Those angry and hurt feelings never really went away, they just got buried deep. Breaking down those walls and confronting them allows you to not only grow but to move forward. Your resentment of your childhood and upbringing, they keep your growth stagnated. Those feelings of anxiety about actually going home, pretending you did not come from your hometown, they hold you down and keep you angry and holding onto the pain. The denial that people hurt you, that your parents made you feel unloved, that holds you back. Facing these things and confronting them within yourself allows you to finally heal, grabbing that happiness is something you should embrace.
Yes you will still be angry and still be hurt, but it will no longer hold you in this space. Allow yourself the freedom to feel relief. To feel that anger and to confront it. To admit and name the things that happened to you, to move forward with more confidence and understanding how you actually process events. Sometimes those things that happen are not exactly as your perceived them. Sometimes people have no idea they wronged you at all, by learning how to recognize the hurt you can address it and confront the offender in a sane and safe way. These are the things you will learn from your service. The fact that there is always pain and hurt but there does not have to be residual anger and pain.