Finding the courage to call for help

So here I am still struggling.  I take not being able to get hired very personally.  I guess the fact that I am middle-aged and have no current job speaks volumes to employers.  I just wish I did not have to stress on this.  I want to work, I want to have an income, but more importantly I want a sense of purpose.  If I had confidence in myself and my ability to build up my own business I would likely take that route, but I fear failure more than stagnation.  This is starting to take its toll on my health and mental health.  I fear soon it will start to wreak havoc on my relationship.


Well I finally took the steps needed to secure a counselor.  I have 3 free sessions, so I hope that is enough.  The counselor I will be seeing sent me a slew of registering paperwork.  One was this huge questionnaire.  As I sat down to fill it out, I started out being pretty general.  As it got more in-depth I realized that I need to be honest if I wanted help.  I had to be honest with myself and with the counselor, even with Richard.  I put honesty above all else, except when I am dealing with myself.  I have been down this road of unemployment before.  It is a struggle, it is stressful and it makes me crazy.

As I filled out that questionnaire I found myself looking at my behavior in the past month and I noticed something familiar.  When I lost my job after my divorce and faced losing my home I began to drink often, and to excess.  It helped numb my feelings.  It helped avoid dealing with reality.  It helped me pretend life was happy and I was ok.  This was all a lie.  I am seeing this behavior again.  The difference this time is that I have someone stable to support me through it and I am not responsible for two children.  I examined myself and found that I was not coping but covering up.  I know that this is not helpful and eventually you end up having to face the issue and then it is often so big it becomes insurmountable.

In my packet I was honest about this.  I admit that I use food and/or alcohol as a way to hide from my pain.  I also admitted that I am still hurt by my lack of friendships in the area.  In the end I have taken the first step in getting help, I reached up and asked for it.

For the next few months I am trying to cut back my alcohol intake and focus on better coping mechanism.  Hopefully this counselor can help me navigate all the pent-up emotions I have been burying.



I know I talk about my dreams quite a bit.  Mostly because they are starting to come true.  For years I lost my way.  I was overwhelmed with life and debt, that I could not ever see past just paying the rent.  I think what finally happened is that I remembered my dreams, not those others felt should be mine.  My dreams felt out of reach, because my dreams are not mainstream.


My dreams are not about owning things, or having things.  My dreams are about experiences and adventure.  It is quite difficult to have adventures when you are a single parent.  My first trip to New York was my first real view of life outside of my own little bubble.  My second trip was even better.  Both times, I had no idea how I would pay for the trips, but I managed to save up and pull it off.


I actually did not want to write about me today.  I just wanted a baseline to segue from.  I know what my dreams are, I know that I mysteriously made them start to happen.  What I do not know is, am I alone?  Does anyone else have dreams that they never shared with anyone?  Do you have dreams that due to the constructs of our society seem to be unattainable?  Do you have dreams that others have told you would never happen, or were ridiculous?  I want to know these things!  No I really do.  I want to know that there are people out there who were pushed down for so long that their dreams took a back seat.  I want to know that people actually still have dreams.  I am not interested in the fairy tale ending, I want to know about climbing mountains, traveling around the World or that you dream of one day being an amazing chef, but you cannot boil water.  I want to know about you, who you are and what drives you?

desmond tutu

I know this seems strange, but I sometimes feel alone in my dreams, and I want to know people still have dreams.  People still secretly wish they could leave their  cube farm jobs to go toil the Earth.  I am setting out a challenge, for you, and for the people you know: REMEMBER your dreams!  Share them, talk about them as though they are going to happen this year.  Never lose them.


The very first step to ever seeing your dreams become reality is to remember them.  The second is to talk about them.  Once those steps are taken, you have to understand how to make them a reality.  My daughter has this dream of swimming the English Channel.  The girl who hates water and can barely swim wants to take on this epic event.  I did not discourage her, I simply asked here what steps she would have to do to make this happen?  She stated she needed to learn to swim better and feel confident in her ability.  Sweet, she at least understood the steps.  What she did not understand was that never thinking about it, meant it was never going to happen.


Most of the people I consider heroes, had a dream.  A dream to become more than who or what they were born to be. They became heroes, simply by holding onto those dreams.

nelson mandela

Putting things into Perspective.

The last few days have been rough for me. I am having trouble keeping my cool and keeping things calm. Last night a woman yelled at me out her apartment window for dumping my dog droppings in the dumpster. Ok she had a point and I conceded that, then she berated me for not taking my dog to the dog park or having him just defecate anywhere. This angered me to the maximum. I chose to go home and stew about it until the next day. The reality is, she is just cranky and no matter what as long as I pick up the dog droppings, he can go where ever unless it is posted. Freaking take a chill pill lady before you have a heart attack. I guess in this instance my life is far more satisfying than hers if she has to complain about someone actually picking up after their dog. Maybe she needs a hug.

Today, however, I again got my feathers ruffled. Not only was my machine acting up, I am in charge of the lab. One of my co-workers told another that she was being punished for something that happened last week. She then proceeded to ask me if I was punishing her. WTF????? I have no authority to punish anyone and frankly if you have a complaint go complain to my manager. Seriously there is no making some people happy. I bent over backwards to make sure she go to work on the equipment, I was under the impression she wanted to be on. It is by no means my fault that the samples I was told to expect never showed up. How in the hell can I control what comes through that door? Frankly I have had enough of this kind of attitude, from now on if anyone has a complaint they can go to my manager and he can play pre-school cop, because frankly that is what it is often like where I work.